fun

February 1, 2008 - MOUNT HOLYOKE COLLEGE ON THE CUTTING EDGE

Mt. Holyoke College has announced a new major in high tech communications and Newsy was anxious to get the correct story from the students to see what they thought of the new plan. We were able to get a list of the students who were enrolled in the new course so we could go straight to the source to see what this was all about. After several thousand phone calls and voice messages that were never completed, we contacted the administration and received the name of a student translator, Ima Techy. The college arranged for us to have an exclusive interview with Ima.

Our first question was why was there such a need for a new discipline. After Ima stopped laughing, she was able to tell us just a few areas that needed attention. First and foremost, in case we didn’t know the obvious, cell phones are only used for text messaging these days…ergo no returned calls were made to Newsy. If we had clicked our cell phones under text messages received, we would have seen the many answers from the students. Unfortunately Newsy does not yet deal in text messaging. Hmmmm!?

We learned that the whole student culture has switched to text messaging. It is just not cool to walk and talk at the same time. That was the last decade’s idea of coolness and it is very passé Ima told us. The ultimate in coolness is to walk, text, and sing all at the same time. That is an advanced course. Words per minute, speech and translation times are very big in getting a good grade. There is so much to learn and no talking is permitted.

Newsy was very confused. We asked what Ima meant about speech and no talking. “Well, speech is the new language that looks something like %$..hp!” said Ima. “Talking means opening your mouth and having sound come out. There is a very big difference. Pretty soon we anticipate all communication will be in the new soundless speech mode and we plan to be in the forefront of this advanced interaction.”

“ Well, how does a teacher teach class if he or she can’t talk the old fashioned way?” we asked. “Oh, easily,” Ima told us. “Each classroom will be equipped with an overhead video system that will be connected wirelessly with everyone’s cell phone and when they message-in it will be displayed for all to see.”

“ Does the faculty think this is a good idea?” we asked. “Well, they are meeting about it daily and actually talking about it which sort of defeats the purpose. I mean they just have to get with it. Times have changed!” “ However,” she added, “we are arranging tutoring and remedial courses for those who aren’t up to par about the basics. Naturally most of these students are faculty. I mean, like, if you don’t know that ‘idk’ means ‘I don’t know,’ then this is pretty bad, you know.”

“ Will this have an impact on the English Department,” we asked. “Well, all literature from this day back will be classified as Medieval Literature and we will start from scratch with all of the new literature written in text mode. Sorry g2g, hand!”

Editor’s translation: ‘Sorry, got to go. Have a nice day!’

Nov 1, 2008 - MOUNT HOLYOKE STUDENTS EXPERIENCING SOME

GROWING PAINS

In an effort to find out how the new “High Tech” discipline was working out Newsy called in the Editor’s grandson to text message Ima Techy for a follow up interview which she granted.

We first asked her if things were working out well and she looked just a bit crestfallen. “Well, not exactly,” she said. “There are a lot more problems than we anticipated. We did not think we would have to deal with cellulosis.”” Did you mean cellulitis” Newsy asked?

“How would an inflammation of the skin come about from text messaging?” “No, no cellulosis,” said Ima. This is a neurosis that is experienced by students that have to keep up-dating their smart phones. It produces lots of stress and the infirmary is completely inundated.”

“Could you explain asked Newsy?” “Yeah, sure” Ima managed to actually say while her hand quivered by her cell phone. Newsy could see a speaking interview was quite stressful for Ima and hoped that it would not produce the onset of this cellulosis.

“We have to make lots of big decisions these days,” said Ima. For example new smart phones are arriving everyday and there are just so many things to choose from. Do you want the Pearl Flip or the Blackberry Bold? But then again the Blackberry Storm is just over the horizon. Should you wait???? They all seem to have a slick Clock/Stop-watch app and white line-drawing icons but do you want a trackball or not. Then there is the software…pictures imbedded right in messages…fonts…bold…italic etc. So many decisions,” she said as both her hand and knee began to quiver. “Can you rotate the screen? Is there a touch screen, can you zoom in and out?” she pondered as now both knees began to quiver. “GPS, Wi-Fi, camera abilities, quad-band,” she blurted as her eyes began to tear.

Newsy thought it was time to end the interview. Obviously things were getting beyond Newsy’s pop-psych treatments and perhaps things were getting beyond high techs treatments too. We made an appointment for another day when perhaps things will have resolved themselves. To be continued.

February 1, 2009 - MOUNT HOLYOKE STUDENTS EXPERIENCING STD

Health and Welfare is in the news constantly these days so Newsy sent their ace reporter down to the Infirmary to interview the staff to get the real scoop. Head nurse, Bea Healthy, agreed to show us around and answer our questions. We asked if the infirmary was being fully utilized. "Fully utilized," she shouted! "We are swamped! This place is a madhouse!" We told her we had no idea that The Green Death was raging and she responded by telling us it wasn’t. "That’s not the problem…flu and flulike symptoms are very passé and insignificant. We are dealing mainly with trauma and anxiety here, but we also have a ward filled with carpal tunnel patients, serious thumb disorder, broken limbs, and other injuries. We are in the midst of a large scale epidemic! This is very serious."

Newsy was stunned. What was going on here? This infirmary is filled-to-overflowing with students who suffer from serious thumb disorder? Just what is serious thumb disorder? Bea continued, "STD, as it is commonly known, is what happens from too much texting. And since students are texting 95% of the time you can see the outcome. Once they have a case of STD their entire social life declines to zero and extreme anxiety sets in. Then we have a mental problem as well as a physical problem. The mental problem manifests itself as depression, lack of self esteem, and weight loss. Thumbs do not heal easily and until they do these patients have absolutely nothing to look forward to.

"The accident ward is also overflowing but usually there are no mental problems involved. We are experiencing a huge increase in broken limbs, abrasions and serious cuts. When one tries to text and walk at the same time combined with ear phones from ipods in both ears to block out warnings….well you get the picture. Concussions, blood everywhere. It’s not a pretty sight."

Newsy could see that the x-ray department was going full tilt but, heavens…what was the college doing to help this situation. Bea replied that funds were being raised for a large extension to be built to the infirmary with help from funds from the FSP…(Financial Stimulus Program). Newsy thought that the FSP was to be used only to stimulate the economy…how does this work? Bea looked aghast. "Think, woman, think. If these students are incomunicato they will not be out there buying everything in sight. These are world class shoppers…with emphasis on world. Our students come from over 100 different countries! We are talking a global economy here.

There is talk of the college instituting some “quiet hours” which would mean no texting after 10:00 at night until 8:00 the next morning. Inforced rest for the thumbs seems to be the only solution for STD. There is also talk of an Accident Prevention Squad which would assign a student who wanted to earn extra money to escort others around campus. Of course the escorts would have to be without an ipod or a iphone, etc. "So far," Bea concluded, "we haven’t had anyone sign-up, but perhaps with the economy in the garbage it will force some hard decisions to be made. Right now we just have to bite the bullet and admit all these technical savy students…we just can’t fight Apple you know."