Did your kids give you an
IPad this Christmas?
Everyone needs to see this video. It is in German but no subtitles needed.
Click on the link below. When you get there, click on the circle with a triangle in it.
WHO’S READING THE NEWSPAPER AND WHY
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The NY Times is read by people who think they run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t
understand the Washington Post.
The LA Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country if they could spare the time.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
The NY Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
The NY Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country as long as they do something scandalous.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country or that anyone is running it.
Ain’t that the truth?????
Every year English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of ACTUAL analogies and metaphors found
in high school essays.
Here are some of last year's winners...
1. His thoughts tumbled in his head,making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
2. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
3. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
4. The revelation that his marriage of 30years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATMmachine.
5. The ballerina rose fracefullyen pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
DATING ADS FOR SENIORS FOUND IN FLORIDA NEWSPAPER
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.
You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have
a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.
For those of you who live in a retirement community,
or contemplating living in one,
or visit friends who live in one, particularly Florida.
Lots of “wisdom” here……...
SHOULD be read by all people over 70 to understand……….
A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida 's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee." There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 a.m., have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Toot Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.
We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters.
The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor-related activities eat up much of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice ? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Palm Coast.
MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS –
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON
WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!
THE JOYS OF RETIREMENT LIVING
PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES, THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. YOU CAN TRUST ME!
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
I would not make up this stuff !
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE ( well...)
PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, apparently they barium.
* I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
* I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
* When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
* Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
* I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
* All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
* I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
* Velcro - what a rip off.
MORE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS!
... herewith is a reasonable alternative to the current political kerfuffle here in the USA
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years...to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
10 ADULT TRUTHS
1.Nothing is worse that that moment during an argument when you realize you are wrong. 2.I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger. 3.There is a great need for a sarcasm font. 4.How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 5.Was learning cursive really necessary? 6.I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired. 7.You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 8.I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 9.How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? 10.Life just get’s better as you get older doesn’t it? Well maybe…the alternative is not great.
Have you called Mount Holyoke Recently?
Voice: Thank you for calling Mt. Holyoke College. If you know the name of the party you wish to speak with, press the first 3 letters of the last name.
For a catalog or admission information, press 1
For Fund Raising opportunities, press 2
For information about the Mount Holyoke Fund, press 3
For making a bequest, press 4
For gift planning, press 5
For estate planning, press 6
For donnations in support of the Alumnae Quarterly, press 7
For matching fund gifts to the MHC Fund, press 8
To repeat the menu, press star
If you need to speak to someone immediately, press zero
Voice: All of our operators are busy at the present time. Your call is important to us. Please hold (music)
Thank you for continuing to hold. Someone will be with you shortly. (music)
Please stay on the line. All our representatives are busy at the present time throwing paper airplanes around the office (music)
We're sorry, but we won't speak to anybody who has so little to do that she just stays on hold!
This can't be our generation!!!
Mother's Driver's License
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours!