Want A Good Laugh?
Did your kids give you an
IPad this Christmas?
Everyone needs to see this video. It is in German but no subtitles needed.
Click on the link below. When you get there, click on the circle with a triangle in it.
For those of you who live in a retirement community,
or contemplating living in one,
or visit friends who live in one, particularly Florida.
Lots of “wisdom” here……...
SHOULD be read by all people over 70 to understand……….
A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida 's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee." There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real. Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 a.m., have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Toot Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my white socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap. Before we know it, it's time for lunch.
We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters.
The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.
Doctor-related activities eat up much of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice ? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Palm Coast.
MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS –
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON
WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!
THE JOYS OF RETIREMENT LIVING
How old is Grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end... It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother
About current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought
About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and
Just things in general.
The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute,
I was born before:
television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and
the pill
There were no:
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens
Man had not yet invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man
With a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centres, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and
Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was
A bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with
Your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the
Evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
Evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks , CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent (5 and dime) stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could
Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
"grass" was mowed,
"coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
"chip" meant a piece of wood,
"hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
"software" wasn't even a word.
We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
We volunteered to protect our precious country.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready?????
This woman would be only 67 years old .
She would have been born in late 1952.
GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.
PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER “OLD ONES.”
BECAUSE THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility..
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours ."
Have You Read Your Church Bulletin Lately?
An Irishman lies dying.
His wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice, “There is something I must confess.”
“Shhhh” said the wife, “there is nothing to confess.”
She holds his hand and caresses his head.
“Everything is all right” she whispers.
“NO!!” the husband replied “I must die in peace...
I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your best friend's mum!”
“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you.
Now close your eyes.”
Subject: DID YOU EVER WONDER....???????????
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words .
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy ."
Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. "
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
No NURSING HOME FOR ME!!!!
No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into a MARRIOTT!
With the average cost for nursing home care being $275.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble .
I've already checked on reservations at The FAIRFIELD.For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $79.00 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours In the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, Gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$10 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up
(if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Marriott will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Marriott to Marriott, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii ? They have COURTYARD there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Mariott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . .Or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation. The grand-kids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for???????
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
The rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to The Villages, Florida. Looters in Florida’s friendliest hometown have especially broken into stores that sell items like laxatives, vitamins, hearing aids, reading glasses, energy drinks and surgical stockings.
The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using their walkers and golf carts to flee. The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or rioting would have interfered with their naps.
The marches didn’t last that long because the signs they were carrying, “ OLD LIVES MATTER” were getting too heavy, and many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee. In many cases, the demonstrators simply forgot why they were even there. Officials were called in but just stood by and watched . . .they decided that since it was at the Town Square, more than likely this crowd may have just been dancing - easily mistaken for rioting. Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. But since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.
Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus.
Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but no one would volunteer due to social distancing concerns.
RIOTING IN THE VILLAGES
THIS IS HYSTERICAL!
CLICK ON THE ABOVE PICTURE AND GET READY TO LAUGH OUT LOUD!
TRY THIS
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?
THIS IS HYSTERICAL.
IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I GUESS THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT THE BRAIN JUST CANNOT HANDLE.
1.WHILE SITTING IN A CHAIR, LIFT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OFF THE FLOOR
WHILE SITTING IN A CHAIR, LIFT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OFF THE FLOOR AND MAKE CLOCKWISE CIRCLES.
2.NOW WHILE DOING THIS, DRAW THE NUMBER 6 IN THE AIR WITH YOUR
NOW WHILE DOING THIS, DRAW THE NUMBER 6 IN THE AIR WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND. YOUR FOOT WILL CHANGE DIRECTION.
I TOLD YOU SO AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
WHO KNEW?????
THEY ARE OLDER THAN US! DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
CLICK ABOVE TO WATCH THIS!
A Few Funny Memories!
You can retire to Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because
you found shade.
2. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
5. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought
.OR
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
RETIREMENT OPTIONS
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and
road repair.
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where.
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob,
Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his
heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail .
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" to Heat" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”
-OR-
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop making you angry.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
And one more:
“One for the road” means going to the loo before you leave the house.
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
How to Write Big Books by Warren Peace
The Art of Archery by Beau N. Arrow
Songs for Children by Barbara Blacksheep
Irish Heart Surgery by Angie O’Plasty
Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel
School Truancy by Marcus Absent
Stop Arguing by Xavier Breath
New Books...Due Soon
